About Pleasing People and Exiting the Funk

Happy Monday, friends.   Newsflash!  I think it’s safe to say that I’ve exited the moving funk.  Thank you,  December.  Your holiday buzzing helps!  Truthfully, I’m a billion-fold-times grateful to be four months into this new Indianapolis season, and feeling healthy across the board.  {Breathe a huge sign of relief.}

It wasn’t sheer bootstrap-pulling up, but it looked more like brokenness and emptiness.   My life before now consisted of busy-ness.  The good kind of busy-ness, really.   I did the things I thought {and other people thought} I should do, and did them very well.  I liked it, too.  I never would’ve asked to leave our Bloomington life because it felt, and often seemed, a wonderful reality that we’d worked to build.   The thing was, there wasn’t too much room for stillness.  None actually.

I never expected that an hour-away-back-to-my-hometown move would deplete me.   So so low.  I didn’t have a clue how to fill the deep gaps that screamed in my mind and heart.  I felt bored and afraid and alone.  While Chris and the boys seemed to jump in and thrive, I was sucking their dust a few miles back.  Stuck.   The stillness haunted me.

I survived the days by painting frames and furniture, drawing and doodling, hot gluing catalog-made paper pinwheels to my freshly painted living room walls.   Escape.   While beautiful, the art wasn’t enough either.   I scraped my mind for what I should be doing, who I should be friending, how I should be making this new life work.   Get the idea?  Should.  No permission for imperfection.

Thanks to wise counseling and care, I walked on, the pieces began to come together.  I joined a bible study, mainly because I like paperwork and felt like if I was going to give myself a to-do list, that better be at the top.  I began to give myself permission, slowly, to enjoy the frivolous things I used to judge through my giant righteous lens.  I bought Gatorade and Oreos and chai tea lattes, a lot.  We hired Julio to mow our lawn weekly. We have the Big10 Network, On Demand, DVR,  AND Netflix.   And I used hot glue on my living room walls.   Best of all, I fell in love with my neighborhood and it’s peeps.  I frequent Target and Kroger, like any Indianapolis mini-van-driving-mom-of-boys should {ha!}, and my favorite thing is the teeming life that I find there.  The black, the mocha, the cinnamon-colored skin.  The white peeps too.  The slow folks, the fast folks, the uber rich ones and the ones pinching pennies.  They’re all there.  And I’m just one, doing my thang, living my gig.  More and more not giving a rip about who-thinks-what about what’s in my cart, but finding freedom in giving myself permission.

Because, really, friends, it’s about your heart. My heart.  During these months, God has battled for my heart.  He wants it.  All of it.  For His glory, not mine.  It’s not about what I do or don’t.  It’s not about your budget lines, where you shop, how organic your strawberries are.  It’s about the stillness in your heart.  I never had to think about what was really deep in there because I was too busy.  Then we moved, and I broke.

So I’ve been rebuilding, with help.  Breathing gratitude.  I’ve been buying lemons, a bag a week because they’re happy.   I’ve found comfort in the hope*ologie podcast, released once a month.  I’m drawing a coloring book, thanks to my mom’s sweet encouragement.  We’ve been loving Faith Church.  God gave me an art-loving friend who lives two streets away.  Our home feels like home now, and we’ve had the privilege of welcoming many and often over the last few weeks.  I can breathe only because it’s for God’s glory, not mine.  It’s grace upon grace.  A little bit like God’s magic that’s been there all along, I just got empty enough to need it.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “About Pleasing People and Exiting the Funk

  1. I miss you Anne. I was thinking of you today and reading your blog was “almost” as good as talking to you. I hope we can keep in touch. As one who has been through many moves and changes too… it can be hard. But, your words about permission and kindness and grace and so great. Love you. shelley “shellstation”

  2. Hi Anne, thank you for this blog!!! I thought I have been going crazy since we built our home and moved in!! I loved my church, went from driving 35 minutes from my old home to being 6 minutes from my new home. I have felt lost and empty and haven’t even gone to church in almost 6 months . I thanked God for everything I have and our new home!! Thought I would get so involved in my church activities and yet I did nothing of the sort, totally the opposite. I have been lost and empty!! I went to church last week for the first time since we moved, I’m still a little lost but trying to pull myself out!!! I saw your blog and thought what does Mrs Frankly have to say ……. All I have to say is THANK YOU!! Thank you for writing this, it means more to me then you even know. I have asked people at church to pray for me as I pray for myself. I have been lost and I so want to be found!!! :))

  3. Anne. Thanks for sharing so authentically. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster the past few weeks. I read this yesterday and had no idea how much I needed “permission” to let go of restrictions and confines I put on my own self! I bought a bunch of Gelato AND non-organic apples yesterday (b/c I really wanted to try “envy” apples and the only organic ones are grannies and gala) and it felt great! But it extends to how I spend my time too – I realize that. All b/c of this post. Your words are a mix of hard truths and healing gratitude – they give me hope. Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s